Friday, March 30, 2012

The Cosmic Pinata Theory

First off, here's an introduction to the 'pinata'.

- - -

I have a new theory of how the universe came to be.

I've grappled for a long time with the 'Big Bang' theory, but I continue to have a bit of difficulty with it. As I understand the 'Big Bang' theory, there was, prior to the beginning, a whole lot of nothing, and then the nothing exploded. Humph.

Why am I unconvinced? Perhaps because it strikes me as a 'Big Bullshit' theory? Why would anyone think such a preposterous thing? -- something tantalizing to write on a research grant application? -- the aftermath of an ill-educated wild mushroom harvest? -- a college prank thought up in a frat house just before the alcohol-induced vomiting came on? I don't know. All I know is that the theory leaves me cold. For me, it's right up there with 'virgin birth', 'Papal infallibility', and the 'miracle of compound interest'.

My theory borrows a wee bit from 'Big Bang', but at least it offers something to be banged. Here it is:

- - -

I postulate that there was, in the original void, a cosmic pinata packed full of all of the universe's stuff. I further postulate that there was a 'God', idly swinging a hockey stick about. At some point, the hockey stick connected with the pinata and "Crraaacccckkkkk!", the pinata burst open and spilled its contents out into the void, filling up the void ever so nicely with its current furnishings.

Ok. I know what you're thinking -- "So who or what was responsible for the pinata, and who or what was responsible for 'God'?", and where did the hockey stick come from? -- Canadian Tire?

Beats the bleep outta me. I only said that it's a theory. We can work out the details as we go along.

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Thursday, March 29, 2012

Business and Commerce -- a Class Act

Every so often, I catch a glimpse of what's behind the slick facade of business and commerce, and it can be a pretty rough sight.

Yesterday, I was downtown on a printer service call at a pharmacy -- one outlet of a chain of pharmacies. The place is in an older part of the city's downtown, a bit west and north of the downtown core. The storefront is right at the southwest corner of a middling-major intersection, in an old brick building that probably dates back to early in the previous century.

All was going well on the repair job until I hit a snag -- a defective replacement part. I had another spare with me, but the job was going to take longer than I'd thought, and I needed to take a leak. I asked the pharmacist lady if there was a washroom I could use, and she kindly directed me to the door right behind me that led downstairs to the basement, and switched on the light for me.

I descended the wooden staircase and looked around for the washroom. I was in a huge, unfinished brick basement that looked like it belonged in a Hitchcock movie. I spotted the 'washroom' -- a roughly built wooden stall over by the far wall with a toilet in it.

The stall had a crudely made wooden door with no latch. It's a good thing I wasn't in need of a hearty, splooshy, wipey dump, because the toilet tissue roll hanging on a nail was all but exhausted, and there were no toilet tissue reserves at hand that I could see. I got done with my business and looked around for a wash basin -- there was none. I went back upstairs, switched off the light and washed my hands in the sink at the rear of the pharmacy, hoping that I wouldn't be told that the sink I was using was NOT for handwashing -- that it was a special pharmaceutical sink reserved for special pharmaceutical practices, and my employer would be hearing of my transgression against the pharmacy's protocols. (I debated with myself briefly whether I should alert the pharmacist lady to the paucity of toilet tissue in the stall, and decided that the less said the better -- 'pharmacy toilet stall custodian' is not in my job description.)

Anyway, no scolding descended on me, and I returned to the repair job much 'relieved'. The backup spare part worked ok, and I wrote up the job ticket and got the bleep out of there and back to my truck.

- - -

Consider:

This is the year 2012. That pharmacy is in the heart of what likes to think of itself as a 'world class' city, and that pharmacy's employees have a washroom facility that's barely a cut above the outhouse my dad built at his cottage near Burk's Falls, Ontario many years ago

The next time you're in a pharmacy picking up your spiffy, cleanly packaged, ultra-modern pharmaceutical goods, you might give a thought to what's behind the door that's behind the counter. Odds are good that the businessman responsible for the place would rather you didn't know.

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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Theresa, and the 'Nice' Side of the Notebook

Permit me a reminiscence from elementary school. This is from about grade two or three, as I recall. I'm not certain the girl's name was Theresa, as in the title of this post, but I think it was Theresa -- 'Theresa' will do.

- - -

In the classroom's columns and rows of desks (something like six columns by six rows), my desk was roughly in the centre of the classroom. To my left, and one desk forward, sat Theresa. Theresa didn't quite have both oars in the water. Theresa was what we characterize these days as 'developmentally challenged'; back then the term was 'retarded'.

Our schoolwork notebooks were staple-bound, cardstock covered pages of lined paper, something like this.

We were, of course, expected to make full use of all of the pages in the notebooks. One filled up the first fresh page at the right, turned the page and continued on the back of that page at the left. When that page was filled, one could move on to the next fresh page at the right.

Now, there's a qualitative aspect to that that is probably not lost on anyone. A fresh, right-side notebook page is a very pleasing thing -- smooth and inviting; the converse side, not so much.

The converse side has about it an air of weariness and use, without its having been 'used'. The writing impressions that were made on the obverse side telegraph through the paper, making the following left-side notebook page anything but fresh and inviting. I certainly noticed that, and I always approached a left-side page with the thought, "Yuck.", eager to get the page done with so I could move on to the next virgin.

Theresa, though, would have none of yucky left-side notebook pages. Theresa left left-side notebook pages blank, and continued directly on to the next fresh right-side page.

The teacher noticed it, of course, and one day while cruising the aisles between our desks, she stopped and hovered by Theresa and asked Theresa why she wasn't using all the pages as she surely knew she ought to. Theresa replied that she didn't like those left-side pages, they weren't nice. The teacher, wisely, didn't press the issue.

Theresa, in her 'retardation', exhibited a sublime sensitivity to her physical world, and the courage to simply shrug off authority's axioms, and march to the beat of her own drummer. Theresa should be an inspiration to us all.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

To Build a Fire -- Jack London's Short Story

This is a stunning piece of work. I first read it in my adolescence. The presentation you see here I got from here.

The only thing that doesn't quite ring true for me is the repeated reference to "four miles an hour" -- the pace the man is supposedly keeping up. As far as I know, four miles an hour is an exceptionally good clip for walking at under the best of conditions; three miles an hour is more like it, under good conditions.

Be that as it may, enjoy the story. Keep your matches and tinder dry, look out for what's over your fire site, and heed the advice of the old guys -- they know a few things.

* * *

To Build A Fire


by Jack London


Day had broken cold and grey, exceedingly cold and grey, when the man turned aside from the main Yukon trail and climbed the high earth-bank, where a dim and little-travelled trail led eastward through the fat spruce timberland. It was a steep bank, and he paused for breath at the top, excusing the act to himself by looking at his watch. It was nine o'clock. There was no sun nor hint of sun, though there was not a cloud in the sky. It was a clear day, and yet there seemed an intangible pall over the face of things, a subtle gloom that made the day dark, and that was due to the absence of sun. This fact did not worry the man. He was used to the lack of sun. It had been days since he had seen the sun, and he knew that a few more days must pass before that cheerful orb, due south, would just peep above the sky-line and dip immediately from view.

The man flung a look back along the way he had come. The Yukon lay a mile wide and hidden under three feet of ice. On top of this ice were as many feet of snow. It was all pure white, rolling in gentle undulations where the ice-jams of the freeze-up had formed. North and south, as far as his eye could see, it was unbroken white, save for a dark hair-line that curved and twisted from around the spruce- covered island to the south, and that curved and twisted away into the north, where it disappeared behind another spruce-covered island. This dark hair-line was the trail--the main trail--that led south five hundred miles to the Chilcoot Pass, Dyea, and salt water; and that led north seventy miles to Dawson, and still on to the north a thousand miles to Nulato, and finally to St. Michael on Bering Sea, a thousand miles and half a thousand more.

But all this--the mysterious, far-reaching hairline trail, the absence of sun from the sky, the tremendous cold, and the strangeness and weirdness of it all--made no impression on the man. It was not because he was long used to it. He was a new-comer in the land, a chechaquo, and this was his first winter. The trouble with him was that he was without imagination. He was quick and alert in the things of life, but only in the things, and not in the significances. Fifty degrees below zero meant eighty odd degrees of frost. Such fact impressed him as being cold and uncomfortable, and that was all. It did not lead him to meditate upon his frailty as a creature of temperature, and upon man's frailty in general, able only to live within certain narrow limits of heat and cold; and from there on it did not lead him to the conjectural field of immortality and man's place in the universe. Fifty degrees below zero stood for a bite of frost that hurt and that must be guarded against by the use of mittens, ear-flaps, warm moccasins, and thick socks. Fifty degrees below zero was to him just precisely fifty degrees below zero. That there should be anything more to it than that was a thought that never entered his head.

As he turned to go on, he spat speculatively. There was a sharp, explosive crackle that startled him. He spat again. And again, in the air, before it could fall to the snow, the spittle crackled. He knew that at fifty below spittle crackled on the snow, but this spittle had crackled in the air. Undoubtedly it was colder than fifty below--how much colder he did not know. But the temperature did not matter. He was bound for the old claim on the left fork of Henderson Creek, where the boys were already. They had come over across the divide from the Indian Creek country, while he had come the roundabout way to take a look at the possibilities of getting out logs in the spring from the islands in the Yukon. He would be in to camp by six o'clock; a bit after dark, it was true, but the boys would be there, a fire would be going, and a hot supper would be ready. As for lunch, he pressed his hand against the protruding bundle under his jacket. It was also under his shirt, wrapped up in a handkerchief and lying against the naked skin. It was the only way to keep the biscuits from freezing. He smiled agreeably to himself as he thought of those biscuits, each cut open and sopped in bacon grease, and each enclosing a generous slice of fried bacon.

He plunged in among the big spruce trees. The trail was faint. A foot of snow had fallen since the last sled had passed over, and he was glad he was without a sled, travelling light. In fact, he carried nothing but the lunch wrapped in the handkerchief. He was surprised, however, at the cold. It certainly was cold, he concluded, as he rubbed his numbed nose and cheek-bones with his mittened hand. He was a warm-whiskered man, but the hair on his face did not protect the high cheek-bones and the eager nose that thrust itself aggressively into the frosty air.

At the man's heels trotted a dog, a big native husky, the proper wolf-dog, grey-coated and without any visible or temperamental difference from its brother, the wild wolf. The animal was depressed by the tremendous cold. It knew that it was no time for travelling. Its instinct told it a truer tale than was told to the man by the man's judgment. In reality, it was not merely colder than fifty below zero; it was colder than sixty below, than seventy below. It was seventy-five below zero. Since the freezing-point is thirty-two above zero, it meant that one hundred and seven degrees of frost obtained. The dog did not know anything about thermometers. Possibly in its brain there was no sharp consciousness of a condition of very cold such as was in the man's brain. But the brute had its instinct. It experienced a vague but menacing apprehension that subdued it and made it slink along at the man's heels, and that made it question eagerly every unwonted movement of the man as if expecting him to go into camp or to seek shelter somewhere and build a fire. The dog had learned fire, and it wanted fire, or else to burrow under the snow and cuddle its warmth away from the air.

The frozen moisture of its breathing had settled on its fur in a fine powder of frost, and especially were its jowls, muzzle, and eyelashes whitened by its crystalled breath. The man's red beard and moustache were likewise frosted, but more solidly, the deposit taking the form of ice and increasing with every warm, moist breath he exhaled. Also, the man was chewing tobacco, and the muzzle of ice held his lips so rigidly that he was unable to clear his chin when he expelled the juice. The result was that a crystal beard of the colour and solidity of amber was increasing its length on his chin. If he fell down it would shatter itself, like glass, into brittle fragments. But he did not mind the appendage. It was the penalty all tobacco- chewers paid in that country, and he had been out before in two cold snaps. They had not been so cold as this, he knew, but by the spirit thermometer at Sixty Mile he knew they had been registered at fifty below and at fifty-five.

He held on through the level stretch of woods for several miles, crossed a wide flat of nigger-heads, and dropped down a bank to the frozen bed of a small stream. This was Henderson Creek, and he knew he was ten miles from the forks. He looked at his watch. It was ten o'clock. He was making four miles an hour, and he calculated that he would arrive at the forks at half-past twelve. He decided to celebrate that event by eating his lunch there.

The dog dropped in again at his heels, with a tail drooping discouragement, as the man swung along the creek-bed. The furrow of the old sled-trail was plainly visible, but a dozen inches of snow covered the marks of the last runners. In a month no man had come up or down that silent creek. The man held steadily on. He was not much given to thinking, and just then particularly he had nothing to think about save that he would eat lunch at the forks and that at six o'clock he would be in camp with the boys. There was nobody to talk to and, had there been, speech would have been impossible because of the ice-muzzle on his mouth. So he continued monotonously to chew tobacco and to increase the length of his amber beard.

Once in a while the thought reiterated itself that it was very cold and that he had never experienced such cold. As he walked along he rubbed his cheek-bones and nose with the back of his mittened hand. He did this automatically, now and again changing hands. But rub as he would, the instant he stopped his cheek-bones went numb, and the following instant the end of his nose went numb. He was sure to frost his cheeks; he knew that, and experienced a pang of regret that he had not devised a nose-strap of the sort Bud wore in cold snaps. Such a strap passed across the cheeks, as well, and saved them. But it didn't matter much, after all. What were frosted cheeks? A bit painful, that was all; they were never serious.

Empty as the man's mind was of thoughts, he was keenly observant, and he noticed the changes in the creek, the curves and bends and timber- jams, and always he sharply noted where he placed his feet. Once, coming around a bend, he shied abruptly, like a startled horse, curved away from the place where he had been walking, and retreated several paces back along the trail. The creek he knew was frozen clear to the bottom--no creek could contain water in that arctic winter--but he knew also that there were springs that bubbled out from the hillsides and ran along under the snow and on top the ice of the creek. He knew that the coldest snaps never froze these springs, and he knew likewise their danger. They were traps. They hid pools of water under the snow that might be three inches deep, or three feet. Sometimes a skin of ice half an inch thick covered them, and in turn was covered by the snow. Sometimes there were alternate layers of water and ice-skin, so that when one broke through he kept on breaking through for a while, sometimes wetting himself to the waist.

That was why he had shied in such panic. He had felt the give under his feet and heard the crackle of a snow-hidden ice-skin. And to get his feet wet in such a temperature meant trouble and danger. At the very least it meant delay, for he would be forced to stop and build a fire, and under its protection to bare his feet while he dried his socks and moccasins. He stood and studied the creek-bed and its banks, and decided that the flow of water came from the right. He reflected awhile, rubbing his nose and cheeks, then skirted to the left, stepping gingerly and testing the footing for each step. Once clear of the danger, he took a fresh chew of tobacco and swung along at his four-mile gait.

In the course of the next two hours he came upon several similar traps. Usually the snow above the hidden pools had a sunken, candied appearance that advertised the danger. Once again, however, he had a close call; and once, suspecting danger, he compelled the dog to go on in front. The dog did not want to go. It hung back until the man shoved it forward, and then it went quickly across the white, unbroken surface. Suddenly it broke through, floundered to one side, and got away to firmer footing. It had wet its forefeet and legs, and almost immediately the water that clung to it turned to ice. It made quick efforts to lick the ice off its legs, then dropped down in the snow and began to bite out the ice that had formed between the toes. This was a matter of instinct. To permit the ice to remain would mean sore feet. It did not know this. It merely obeyed the mysterious prompting that arose from the deep crypts of its being. But the man knew, having achieved a judgment on the subject, and he removed the mitten from his right hand and helped tear out the ice- particles. He did not expose his fingers more than a minute, and was astonished at the swift numbness that smote them. It certainly was cold. He pulled on the mitten hastily, and beat the hand savagely across his chest.

At twelve o'clock the day was at its brightest. Yet the sun was too far south on its winter journey to clear the horizon. The bulge of the earth intervened between it and Henderson Creek, where the man walked under a clear sky at noon and cast no shadow. At half-past twelve, to the minute, he arrived at the forks of the creek. He was pleased at the speed he had made. If he kept it up, he would certainly be with the boys by six. He unbuttoned his jacket and shirt and drew forth his lunch. The action consumed no more than a quarter of a minute, yet in that brief moment the numbness laid hold of the exposed fingers. He did not put the mitten on, but, instead, struck the fingers a dozen sharp smashes against his leg. Then he sat down on a snow-covered log to eat. The sting that followed upon the striking of his fingers against his leg ceased so quickly that he was startled, he had had no chance to take a bite of biscuit. He struck the fingers repeatedly and returned them to the mitten, baring the other hand for the purpose of eating. He tried to take a mouthful, but the ice-muzzle prevented. He had forgotten to build a fire and thaw out. He chuckled at his foolishness, and as he chuckled he noted the numbness creeping into the exposed fingers. Also, he noted that the stinging which had first come to his toes when he sat down was already passing away. He wondered whether the toes were warm or numbed. He moved them inside the moccasins and decided that they were numbed.

He pulled the mitten on hurriedly and stood up. He was a bit frightened. He stamped up and down until the stinging returned into the feet. It certainly was cold, was his thought. That man from Sulphur Creek had spoken the truth when telling how cold it sometimes got in the country. And he had laughed at him at the time! That showed one must not be too sure of things. There was no mistake about it, it was cold. He strode up and down, stamping his feet and threshing his arms, until reassured by the returning warmth. Then he got out matches and proceeded to make a fire. From the undergrowth, where high water of the previous spring had lodged a supply of seasoned twigs, he got his firewood. Working carefully from a small beginning, he soon had a roaring fire, over which he thawed the ice from his face and in the protection of which he ate his biscuits. For the moment the cold of space was outwitted. The dog took satisfaction in the fire, stretching out close enough for warmth and far enough away to escape being singed.

When the man had finished, he filled his pipe and took his comfortable time over a smoke. Then he pulled on his mittens, settled the ear-flaps of his cap firmly about his ears, and took the creek trail up the left fork. The dog was disappointed and yearned back toward the fire. This man did not know cold. Possibly all the generations of his ancestry had been ignorant of cold, of real cold, of cold one hundred and seven degrees below freezing-point. But the dog knew; all its ancestry knew, and it had inherited the knowledge. And it knew that it was not good to walk abroad in such fearful cold. It was the time to lie snug in a hole in the snow and wait for a curtain of cloud to be drawn across the face of outer space whence this cold came. On the other hand, there was keen intimacy between the dog and the man. The one was the toil-slave of the other, and the only caresses it had ever received were the caresses of the whip- lash and of harsh and menacing throat-sounds that threatened the whip-lash. So the dog made no effort to communicate its apprehension to the man. It was not concerned in the welfare of the man; it was for its own sake that it yearned back toward the fire. But the man whistled, and spoke to it with the sound of whip-lashes, and the dog swung in at the man's heels and followed after.

The man took a chew of tobacco and proceeded to start a new amber beard. Also, his moist breath quickly powdered with white his moustache, eyebrows, and lashes. There did not seem to be so many springs on the left fork of the Henderson, and for half an hour the man saw no signs of any. And then it happened. At a place where there were no signs, where the soft, unbroken snow seemed to advertise solidity beneath, the man broke through. It was not deep. He wetted himself half-way to the knees before he floundered out to the firm crust.

He was angry, and cursed his luck aloud. He had hoped to get into camp with the boys at six o'clock, and this would delay him an hour, for he would have to build a fire and dry out his foot-gear. This was imperative at that low temperature--he knew that much; and he turned aside to the bank, which he climbed. On top, tangled in the underbrush about the trunks of several small spruce trees, was a high-water deposit of dry firewood--sticks and twigs principally, but also larger portions of seasoned branches and fine, dry, last-year's grasses. He threw down several large pieces on top of the snow. This served for a foundation and prevented the young flame from drowning itself in the snow it otherwise would melt. The flame he got by touching a match to a small shred of birch-bark that he took from his pocket. This burned even more readily than paper. Placing it on the foundation, he fed the young flame with wisps of dry grass and with the tiniest dry twigs.

He worked slowly and carefully, keenly aware of his danger. Gradually, as the flame grew stronger, he increased the size of the twigs with which he fed it. He squatted in the snow, pulling the twigs out from their entanglement in the brush and feeding directly to the flame. He knew there must be no failure. When it is seventy- five below zero, a man must not fail in his first attempt to build a fire--that is, if his feet are wet. If his feet are dry, and he fails, he can run along the trail for half a mile and restore his circulation. But the circulation of wet and freezing feet cannot be restored by running when it is seventy-five below. No matter how fast he runs, the wet feet will freeze the harder.

All this the man knew. The old-timer on Sulphur Creek had told him about it the previous fall, and now he was appreciating the advice. Already all sensation had gone out of his feet. To build the fire he had been forced to remove his mittens, and the fingers had quickly gone numb. His pace of four miles an hour had kept his heart pumping blood to the surface of his body and to all the extremities. But the instant he stopped, the action of the pump eased down. The cold of space smote the unprotected tip of the planet, and he, being on that unprotected tip, received the full force of the blow. The blood of his body recoiled before it. The blood was alive, like the dog, and like the dog it wanted to hide away and cover itself up from the fearful cold. So long as he walked four miles an hour, he pumped that blood, willy-nilly, to the surface; but now it ebbed away and sank down into the recesses of his body. The extremities were the first to feel its absence. His wet feet froze the faster, and his exposed fingers numbed the faster, though they had not yet begun to freeze. Nose and cheeks were already freezing, while the skin of all his body chilled as it lost its blood.

But he was safe. Toes and nose and cheeks would be only touched by the frost, for the fire was beginning to burn with strength. He was feeding it with twigs the size of his finger. In another minute he would be able to feed it with branches the size of his wrist, and then he could remove his wet foot-gear, and, while it dried, he could keep his naked feet warm by the fire, rubbing them at first, of course, with snow. The fire was a success. He was safe. He remembered the advice of the old-timer on Sulphur Creek, and smiled. The old-timer had been very serious in laying down the law that no man must travel alone in the Klondike after fifty below. Well, here he was; he had had the accident; he was alone; and he had saved himself. Those old-timers were rather womanish, some of them, he thought. All a man had to do was to keep his head, and he was all right. Any man who was a man could travel alone. But it was surprising, the rapidity with which his cheeks and nose were freezing. And he had not thought his fingers could go lifeless in so short a time. Lifeless they were, for he could scarcely make them move together to grip a twig, and they seemed remote from his body and from him. When he touched a twig, he had to look and see whether or not he had hold of it. The wires were pretty well down between him and his finger-ends.

All of which counted for little. There was the fire, snapping and crackling and promising life with every dancing flame. He started to untie his moccasins. They were coated with ice; the thick German socks were like sheaths of iron half-way to the knees; and the mocassin strings were like rods of steel all twisted and knotted as by some conflagration. For a moment he tugged with his numbed fingers, then, realizing the folly of it, he drew his sheath-knife.

But before he could cut the strings, it happened. It was his own fault or, rather, his mistake. He should not have built the fire under the spruce tree. He should have built it in the open. But it had been easier to pull the twigs from the brush and drop them directly on the fire. Now the tree under which he had done this carried a weight of snow on its boughs. No wind had blown for weeks, and each bough was fully freighted. Each time he had pulled a twig he had communicated a slight agitation to the tree--an imperceptible agitation, so far as he was concerned, but an agitation sufficient to bring about the disaster. High up in the tree one bough capsized its load of snow. This fell on the boughs beneath, capsizing them. This process continued, spreading out and involving the whole tree. It grew like an avalanche, and it descended without warning upon the man and the fire, and the fire was blotted out! Where it had burned was a mantle of fresh and disordered snow.

The man was shocked. It was as though he had just heard his own sentence of death. For a moment he sat and stared at the spot where the fire had been. Then he grew very calm. Perhaps the old-timer on Sulphur Creek was right. If he had only had a trail-mate he would have been in no danger now. The trail-mate could have built the fire. Well, it was up to him to build the fire over again, and this second time there must be no failure. Even if he succeeded, he would most likely lose some toes. His feet must be badly frozen by now, and there would be some time before the second fire was ready.

Such were his thoughts, but he did not sit and think them. He was busy all the time they were passing through his mind, he made a new foundation for a fire, this time in the open; where no treacherous tree could blot it out. Next, he gathered dry grasses and tiny twigs from the high-water flotsam. He could not bring his fingers together to pull them out, but he was able to gather them by the handful. In this way he got many rotten twigs and bits of green moss that were undesirable, but it was the best he could do. He worked methodically, even collecting an armful of the larger branches to be used later when the fire gathered strength. And all the while the dog sat and watched him, a certain yearning wistfulness in its eyes, for it looked upon him as the fire-provider, and the fire was slow in coming.

When all was ready, the man reached in his pocket for a second piece of birch-bark. He knew the bark was there, and, though he could not feel it with his fingers, he could hear its crisp rustling as he fumbled for it. Try as he would, he could not clutch hold of it. And all the time, in his consciousness, was the knowledge that each instant his feet were freezing. This thought tended to put him in a panic, but he fought against it and kept calm. He pulled on his mittens with his teeth, and threshed his arms back and forth, beating his hands with all his might against his sides. He did this sitting down, and he stood up to do it; and all the while the dog sat in the snow, its wolf-brush of a tail curled around warmly over its forefeet, its sharp wolf-ears pricked forward intently as it watched the man. And the man as he beat and threshed with his arms and hands, felt a great surge of envy as he regarded the creature that was warm and secure in its natural covering.

After a time he was aware of the first far-away signals of sensation in his beaten fingers. The faint tingling grew stronger till it evolved into a stinging ache that was excruciating, but which the man hailed with satisfaction. He stripped the mitten from his right hand and fetched forth the birch-bark. The exposed fingers were quickly going numb again. Next he brought out his bunch of sulphur matches. But the tremendous cold had already driven the life out of his fingers. In his effort to separate one match from the others, the whole bunch fell in the snow. He tried to pick it out of the snow, but failed. The dead fingers could neither touch nor clutch. He was very careful. He drove the thought of his freezing feet; and nose, and cheeks, out of his mind, devoting his whole soul to the matches. He watched, using the sense of vision in place of that of touch, and when he saw his fingers on each side the bunch, he closed them--that is, he willed to close them, for the wires were drawn, and the fingers did not obey. He pulled the mitten on the right hand, and beat it fiercely against his knee. Then, with both mittened hands, he scooped the bunch of matches, along with much snow, into his lap. Yet he was no better off.

After some manipulation he managed to get the bunch between the heels of his mittened hands. In this fashion he carried it to his mouth. The ice crackled and snapped when by a violent effort he opened his mouth. He drew the lower jaw in, curled the upper lip out of the way, and scraped the bunch with his upper teeth in order to separate a match. He succeeded in getting one, which he dropped on his lap. He was no better off. He could not pick it up. Then he devised a way. He picked it up in his teeth and scratched it on his leg. Twenty times he scratched before he succeeded in lighting it. As it flamed he held it with his teeth to the birch-bark. But the burning brimstone went up his nostrils and into his lungs, causing him to cough spasmodically. The match fell into the snow and went out.

The old-timer on Sulphur Creek was right, he thought in the moment of controlled despair that ensued: after fifty below, a man should travel with a partner. He beat his hands, but failed in exciting any sensation. Suddenly he bared both hands, removing the mittens with his teeth. He caught the whole bunch between the heels of his hands. His arm-muscles not being frozen enabled him to press the hand-heels tightly against the matches. Then he scratched the bunch along his leg. It flared into flame, seventy sulphur matches at once! There was no wind to blow them out. He kept his head to one side to escape the strangling fumes, and held the blazing bunch to the birch-bark. As he so held it, he became aware of sensation in his hand. His flesh was burning. He could smell it. Deep down below the surface he could feel it. The sensation developed into pain that grew acute. And still he endured it, holding the flame of the matches clumsily to the bark that would not light readily because his own burning hands were in the way, absorbing most of the flame.

At last, when he could endure no more, he jerked his hands apart. The blazing matches fell sizzling into the snow, but the birch-bark was alight. He began laying dry grasses and the tiniest twigs on the flame. He could not pick and choose, for he had to lift the fuel between the heels of his hands. Small pieces of rotten wood and green moss clung to the twigs, and he bit them off as well as he could with his teeth. He cherished the flame carefully and awkwardly. It meant life, and it must not perish. The withdrawal of blood from the surface of his body now made him begin to shiver, and he grew more awkward. A large piece of green moss fell squarely on the little fire. He tried to poke it out with his fingers, but his shivering frame made him poke too far, and he disrupted the nucleus of the little fire, the burning grasses and tiny twigs separating and scattering. He tried to poke them together again, but in spite of the tenseness of the effort, his shivering got away with him, and the twigs were hopelessly scattered. Each twig gushed a puff of smoke and went out. The fire-provider had failed. As he looked apathetically about him, his eyes chanced on the dog, sitting across the ruins of the fire from him, in the snow, making restless, hunching movements, slightly lifting one forefoot and then the other, shifting its weight back and forth on them with wistful eagerness.

The sight of the dog put a wild idea into his head. He remembered the tale of the man, caught in a blizzard, who killed a steer and crawled inside the carcass, and so was saved. He would kill the dog and bury his hands in the warm body until the numbness went out of them. Then he could build another fire. He spoke to the dog, calling it to him; but in his voice was a strange note of fear that frightened the animal, who had never known the man to speak in such way before. Something was the matter, and its suspicious nature sensed danger,--it knew not what danger but somewhere, somehow, in its brain arose an apprehension of the man. It flattened its ears down at the sound of the man's voice, and its restless, hunching movements and the liftings and shiftings of its forefeet became more pronounced but it would not come to the man. He got on his hands and knees and crawled toward the dog. This unusual posture again excited suspicion, and the animal sidled mincingly away.

The man sat up in the snow for a moment and struggled for calmness. Then he pulled on his mittens, by means of his teeth, and got upon his feet. He glanced down at first in order to assure himself that he was really standing up, for the absence of sensation in his feet left him unrelated to the earth. His erect position in itself started to drive the webs of suspicion from the dog's mind; and when he spoke peremptorily, with the sound of whip-lashes in his voice, the dog rendered its customary allegiance and came to him. As it came within reaching distance, the man lost his control. His arms flashed out to the dog, and he experienced genuine surprise when he discovered that his hands could not clutch, that there was neither bend nor feeling in the lingers. He had forgotten for the moment that they were frozen and that they were freezing more and more. All this happened quickly, and before the animal could get away, he encircled its body with his arms. He sat down in the snow, and in this fashion held the dog, while it snarled and whined and struggled.

But it was all he could do, hold its body encircled in his arms and sit there. He realized that he could not kill the dog. There was no way to do it. With his helpless hands he could neither draw nor hold his sheath-knife nor throttle the animal. He released it, and it plunged wildly away, with tail between its legs, and still snarling. It halted forty feet away and surveyed him curiously, with ears sharply pricked forward. The man looked down at his hands in order to locate them, and found them hanging on the ends of his arms. It struck him as curious that one should have to use his eyes in order to find out where his hands were. He began threshing his arms back and forth, beating the mittened hands against his sides. He did this for five minutes, violently, and his heart pumped enough blood up to the surface to put a stop to his shivering. But no sensation was aroused in the hands. He had an impression that they hung like weights on the ends of his arms, but when he tried to run the impression down, he could not find it.

A certain fear of death, dull and oppressive, came to him. This fear quickly became poignant as he realized that it was no longer a mere matter of freezing his fingers and toes, or of losing his hands and feet, but that it was a matter of life and death with the chances against him. This threw him into a panic, and he turned and ran up the creek-bed along the old, dim trail. The dog joined in behind and kept up with him. He ran blindly, without intention, in fear such as he had never known in his life. Slowly, as he ploughed and floundered through the snow, he began to see things again--the banks of the creek, the old timber-jams, the leafless aspens, and the sky. The running made him feel better. He did not shiver. Maybe, if he ran on, his feet would thaw out; and, anyway, if he ran far enough, he would reach camp and the boys. Without doubt he would lose some fingers and toes and some of his face; but the boys would take care of him, and save the rest of him when he got there. And at the same time there was another thought in his mind that said he would never get to the camp and the boys; that it was too many miles away, that the freezing had too great a start on him, and that he would soon be stiff and dead. This thought he kept in the background and refused to consider. Sometimes it pushed itself forward and demanded to be heard, but he thrust it back and strove to think of other things.

It struck him as curious that he could run at all on feet so frozen that he could not feel them when they struck the earth and took the weight of his body. He seemed to himself to skim along above the surface and to have no connection with the earth. Somewhere he had once seen a winged Mercury, and he wondered if Mercury felt as he felt when skimming over the earth.

His theory of running until he reached camp and the boys had one flaw in it: he lacked the endurance. Several times he stumbled, and finally he tottered, crumpled up, and fell. When he tried to rise, he failed. He must sit and rest, he decided, and next time he would merely walk and keep on going. As he sat and regained his breath, he noted that he was feeling quite warm and comfortable. He was not shivering, and it even seemed that a warm glow had come to his chest and trunk. And yet, when he touched his nose or cheeks, there was no sensation. Running would not thaw them out. Nor would it thaw out his hands and feet. Then the thought came to him that the frozen portions of his body must be extending. He tried to keep this thought down, to forget it, to think of something else; he was aware of the panicky feeling that it caused, and he was afraid of the panic. But the thought asserted itself, and persisted, until it produced a vision of his body totally frozen. This was too much, and he made another wild run along the trail. Once he slowed down to a walk, but the thought of the freezing extending itself made him run again.

And all the time the dog ran with him, at his heels. When he fell down a second time, it curled its tail over its forefeet and sat in front of him facing him curiously eager and intent. The warmth and security of the animal angered him, and he cursed it till it flattened down its ears appeasingly. This time the shivering came more quickly upon the man. He was losing in his battle with the frost. It was creeping into his body from all sides. The thought of it drove him on, but he ran no more than a hundred feet, when he staggered and pitched headlong. It was his last panic. When he had recovered his breath and control, he sat up and entertained in his mind the conception of meeting death with dignity. However, the conception did not come to him in such terms. His idea of it was that he had been making a fool of himself, running around like a chicken with its head cut off--such was the simile that occurred to him. Well, he was bound to freeze anyway, and he might as well take it decently. With this new-found peace of mind came the first glimmerings of drowsiness. A good idea, he thought, to sleep off to death. It was like taking an anaesthetic. Freezing was not so bad as people thought. There were lots worse ways to die.

He pictured the boys finding his body next day. Suddenly he found himself with them, coming along the trail and looking for himself. And, still with them, he came around a turn in the trail and found himself lying in the snow. He did not belong with himself any more, for even then he was out of himself, standing with the boys and looking at himself in the snow. It certainly was cold, was his thought. When he got back to the States he could tell the folks what real cold was. He drifted on from this to a vision of the old-timer on Sulphur Creek. He could see him quite clearly, warm and comfortable, and smoking a pipe.

"You were right, old hoss; you were right," the man mumbled to the old-timer of Sulphur Creek.

Then the man drowsed off into what seemed to him the most comfortable and satisfying sleep he had ever known. The dog sat facing him and waiting. The brief day drew to a close in a long, slow twilight. There were no signs of a fire to be made, and, besides, never in the dog's experience had it known a man to sit like that in the snow and make no fire. As the twilight drew on, its eager yearning for the fire mastered it, and with a great lifting and shifting of forefeet, it whined softly, then flattened its ears down in anticipation of being chidden by the man. But the man remained silent. Later, the dog whined loudly. And still later it crept close to the man and caught the scent of death. This made the animal bristle and back away. A little longer it delayed, howling under the stars that leaped and danced and shone brightly in the cold sky. Then it turned and trotted up the trail in the direction of the camp it knew, where were the other food-providers and fire-providers.

# # #

Monday, March 26, 2012

A Neat Idea

I have a dim recollection of a neat idea -- I think I encountered it long ago in Robert Pirsig's book, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance". The idea went something like this:

- - -

'Imagine a brick wall. Imagine one brick in that wall [any brick; take your pick; the uppermost, leftmost one will do if you must have help with the assignment].

Now, write about that brick and make your writing interesting to read.'

- - -

There's a challenge, eh?

- - -

That strikes me as an idea worth pursuing. If I could do that, I'd be happy as a pig in shit.

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Sunday, March 25, 2012

Favourite Words -- 'Plunge'

'Plunge' is a favourite word of mine. There is something about those six letters, arranged and pronounced as they are, that seamlessly evokes and conveys the meaning of the word itself. There are 'bus plunges'; and there are 'cat plunges'. There are probably plunge forms that I can scarcely imagine, but they are all contained within and conveyed by that word 'plunge', with a concision and perfection that often eludes us in speech and writing.

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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Cooper's Thoughts

'Cooper' is the name of our cat.

[Fallacy alert! 'Our' cat? There's no 'owning' a cat. The cat may deign to permit you to be its provider, but you can no more 'own' a cat than you can 'own' tomorrow's sunrise. Cats don't do 'ownership'.]

Be that as it may, Cooper is a handsome, intelligent creature. His physiognomy bespeaks levels and layers of knowledge and thought far beyond what one might ascribe to a dog or a guinea pig or a toad or a chicken -- or to many humans, for that matter. I can't help but wonder what Cooper thinks about throughout the day. Something like this, possibly?

* * *

"Money? Capitalism? Banking? Usury? What a load of doggy doo-doo. What is it with humans that they can subscribe to such silliness?

- - -

Sunny spot. A sunny spot to snooze in would be nice right now. Oh, look at that -- they've left their bedroom door open and gone out, and I can have the sunny spot on their bed on their comforter all to myself. Yeehaw!

- - -

Freud, schmeud. Ego, id, superego -- where do humans get that doggy drool from?

- - -

Bowel movement. A nice, private, discreet bowel movement and leak are in order. I hope one of the humans has had the decency to tidy my litter box.

- - -

CBC Radio. Must she leave that doggy-barking noise on when she goes out? What a load of rubbish that noise is!

- - -

'Getting hungry. 'Time to go view the driveway and reel in a human to get back here and feed me. Yeehaw! Up the driveway she comes -- door opened -- she's back in the house -- Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! -- She's catching on. Here it comes -- food -- about bleeping well time!

- - -

Darwinism. Evolution. Natural selection. Yeah, right. So what the bleep did I evolve from? -- a salamander? Get another 'theory' to peddle to the doggy-brains, bozos.

- - -

Bedtime. Now if that male human will just come by for a bedtime fight, all will be right with the world at this day's end.

Oh! Here he is! MEOWR! PET ME! PET ME! PLAY BITE! PLAY BITE!

* * *

"Enough! G'night Cooper. 'See ya tomorrow."

* * *

Oh, don't be such a canine-head. I didn't even break your skin, wimp.

# # #

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Partridge Hunting

Partridge[1] are a ground-dwelling bird, wonderfully camouflaged for where they dwell. Here's a view of one.

That picture is adequate, but it doesn't quite do justice to the birds' camouflage. On a forest floor in southern Ontario, the birds are all but indistinguishable from the forest floor litter.

My dad used to hunt them in southern Ontario bush country with a .22 calibre rifle. My dad was an extraordinary woodsman. He could move through the bush as quietly as a mink, catch sight of a bird on the forest floor, draw a bead on it and blow its head off with a single, small calibre shot.

The bird would expire without suffering, no bird flesh was ruined by shot, and fine eating was had at the dinner table -- there's no better wild fowl I know of than partridge.

'Hunter' is a fine and honourable occupation, when carried out finely and honourably. That's how my dad did it. We should all pursue our occupations so well.

- - -

Note:

[1] 'Partridge' is a curious word, in that its singular form also serves as the collective, plural form.

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Saturday, March 17, 2012

Noise & Blather

Noise and blather -- there you have the mainstream media in a nutshell -- noise and blather.

One of the best things I've ever done for myself has been to cease watching TV and switch off the radio. It's been years since I've watched or listened at any length, and there is no downside to having done so. There's nothing on that's helpful, useful or edifying. It's all noise and blather.

And I'm coming around to think that the same is true of the 'alternative' media as well. I scan through the articles at a site like Smirking Chimp, and my scan leaves me thinking, "I don't give a bleep about any of it!" It's noise and blather-- all of it!

The human race needs to come to grips with the staggering amount of criminality and psychopathology that it harbours, and find a way to deal with it. If the human race can't do that (and I suspect that it can't) then the human race will just have to keep on keeping on with the same old same old. Good luck with that, human race.

It's far past time that we gave a few things a rethink -- things like money and usury and capitalism for starters. Before the landfill sites get completely filled up, there are some orthodoxies that need to go into them. Fire up the dump trucks and the bulldozers, or shut the bleep up; the noise and blather have far outlived their usefulness, if any they ever had.

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Friday, March 16, 2012

Ownership

'Ownership' is a fallacy. You 'own' nothing in this life. You're able to enjoy the use of some things for awhile, conditional on many conditions.

It can be said that I 'own' a house, but no I don't. All I 'own' is the obligation to pay the property taxes on the place. Let me let the taxes go unpaid, and we'll see how long I continue to 'own' it. Follow?

We come into this world naked, squalling, helpless and 'owning' nothing. Whatever we manage to 'acquire' is conditionally held -- on condition that we can maintain or replace it. If you haven't the wherewithal to maintain something you 'own', you sure as hell don't 'own' it. And similarly, if you haven't the wherewithal to replace something you 'own', you doubly sure as hell don't 'own' it. There's a 1999 Ford Ranger parked in 'my' driveway right now that's evidence of that.

Tell me, how much of what you think you 'own' are you capable of maintaining unassisted? How much of what you think you 'own' are you capable of replacing this instant with your available resources? Not too bleeping much, right?

Good luck with that 'ownership' notion, and all of its attendant documentation. The documentation isn't worth the paper it's printed on, and the 'ownership' that the documentation allegedly certifies is worth even less.

# # #

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Seagram 2012

Where do I start with this? Please bear with me while I get my bearings straight.

- - -

The beer I drink is called Laker Lager. It's brewed by the Brick Brewing Company of Waterloo, Ontario, Canada. It's not a high-end beer. It's a low-priced, reasonably decent brew for the likes of us working-class, spiralling-downward-into-poverty types with shitty jobs and no prospects. Some time ago, the brewery began throwing in a bonus tall can of beer in a case of 24 bottles. The can was nestled in among the necks of the bottles, like so.

Not a bad idea as promotions go. I think when they started this, they were promoting Laker Ice, a stronger brew. I'm no connoisseur of anything, and I have no opinion to offer on Laker Ice. It was a 'free' beer. No complaint from here.

Recently, they started putting in a can of something called "2012". 2012 is a blended alcoholic 'beverage'. The '2012' alludes to the Mayan calendar that supposedly ends in 2012. The branding/labelling is an amusing bit of work; when I first saw it, I thought it boded well for something drinkable. Here's a close-up of the can's labelling.

So far, so good. Now, here are the ingredients, verbatim:

CARBONATED NATURAL SPRING WATER, GLUCOSE-FRUCTOSE, VODKA, RUM, WHISKEY, GIN, NATURAL FLAVOUR, CITRIC ACID, CARAMEL COLOUR, MOLASSES.

I said earlier that I'm no connoisseur of anything, but I'm not entirely senseless. I can recognize a recipe for swill when I see one, and what that is is a recipe for swill.

If you were to let a twelve-year-old boy loose behind a bar to invent mixed drinks, he'd be liable to come up with something much like that.

After I'd sampled the stuff, I was moved to email the brewery a comment. Here's the text of my email:

- - -

"The bonus can in a case of Laker Lager has been much appreciated, but the '2012' stuff was a mistake. Have you read the ingredients? That's not what a beer drinker opens a can for. The stuff is awful -- it's grotesque.

'Sorry to complain about a freebie, but '2012' doesn't deserve to be in a case of beer; it doesn't deserve to be in the same building with a case of beer. I'll return the next can to the store unopened.

Anyway, as I said, the bonus can has been much appreciated. If you mean to keep it going, please return it to a can of beer -- not that freakish blend of miscellaneous stuff that no one goes to a beer store for."

- - -

I sent that on February 24th; I've received no reply.

They're still putting those cans of swill in cases of Laker Lager as a 'bonus'. I have no idea what to make of it all. Maybe 2012 really is going to be the great unravelling, and this 'beverage' is the thin edge of the wedge. Who knows.

- - -

Update -- FRIDAY, MARCH 16, 2012

I picked up a case of Laker on my way home from work today. The bonus can is Laker Ice again.

- - -

Epilogue -- SATURDAY, MARCH 17, 2012

I know I'm not the only one who thought '2012' was swill. I was in the beer store again one time after I'd pointedly returned an unopened can of '2012', and they told me that a lady had bought a case of Laker, removed the 'bonus' can and left it to them right then and there. She wasn't going to be bothered hauling the thing home with her.

One has to feel a bit badly for the people who dreamt up the beverage and the promotion of it. One wonders how people who should know better can get so caught up with a bad idea, and devote such energy to it. I think they'd concocted something like four varieties of the stuff. I just now checked Brick's website, and there's no mention of '2012'. I guess it's been chucked into the 'seemed like a good idea at the time' bin.

I do give them credit for their clever, tongue-in-cheek toying with the '2012' theme. It seems that the drink's recipe was loosely based on a cocktail known as the Four Horsemen. (Four horsemen -- apocalypse -- 2012 -- har, har. It was a cute idea. Nice try. Better luck next time, maybe.)

Oh well, perhaps now they'll stick to their knitting, and concentrate on doing what they're good at.

- - -

TUESDAY, MARCH 27, 2012

Further to the Epilogue:

The bonus can is back to a can of Laker Ice, but the bonus can announcement printed on the case is unchanged from what it was when they began the 2012 'bonus'.

It doesn't directly mention '2012', it just says, "BONUS FIND YOUR FREE TALL CAN INSIDE". I seem to recall that when they started with the Laker Ice bonus, it directly mentioned Laker Ice.

Anyway, it looks to me like they had printed up a lot of cases meant to contain the 2012 'bonus', and ended up cutting that 'bonus' way short. Good!

# # #

Sunday, March 11, 2012

All The Answers

Anyone professing to have 'all the answers', be it Ron Paul or Ayn Rand or Joseph Stalin or Pol Pot or even Jesus H. Christ Himself, is either a fool or a charlatan. You're on your own.

# # #

Quote du Jour

# # #

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Quote du Jour

A bit of Emo Philips' 'comedy':

- - -

"I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said 'Stop! don't do it!'

'Why shouldn't I?' he said. I said, 'Well, there's so much to live for!'

He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well...are you religious or atheist?'

He said, 'Religious.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?'

He said, 'Christian.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?'

He said, 'Protestant.' I said, 'Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?'

He said, 'Baptist!' I said, 'Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?'

He said, 'Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god!' I said, 'Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?'

He said, 'Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!'

I said, 'Die, heretic scum,' and pushed him off."

# # #

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Businesspeople

Something I've noticed about businesspeople is that by and large, they have very little interest in, knowledge of or curiosity about what it is that underpins their businesses. I can't help but find that odd, yet I suppose I shouldn't, really.

Business people have one and only one interest -- business; i.e. money changing hands in a favourable direction. Whatever business they're in, all that matters is 'what will generate an invoice THIS INSTANT?'

What a shabby, bereft existence that must be. It baffles me that humans, with all their faculties for learning and engagement with the world, flock to it so eagerly and in such numbers. Is that the best we can do with our lives? Surely not. There has to be a better way.

# # #

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Freedom and Liberty

[The following is a rant. I shouldn't do rants, but every so often a rant sneaks up on me and whacks me upside the head with a sock with its toe full of marbles and shouts, "Express me, keystroker, or I'll get a longer sock with lead shot in it instead of marbles! Maybe then you'll learn to fear my wrath!

So I say, "Ok, rant. I'm at your service. Just get away from me with that sock.]

- - -

As a Canadian citizen, I'm free. I'm free to get up tomorrow morning and go attend to my stupid, loathsome job that I have no escape from. Yeehah! 'Pursuit of happiness', here I come.

(I borrowed that 'pursuit of happiness' phrase from the southern neighbours. One has to give them credit for their talent at turning neat, marketable phrases like 'pursuit of happiness' and 'all men are created equal' and 'Houston, we have a problem.'

'I hear one more time about about 'freedom' and 'liberty', and I'm liable to barf my guts out. Go without breakfast, and come noon, ask yourself how 'free' you are. Not bleeping very. But, we're free to rant. That counts for something, I suppose.

I can write a letter to the editor of a mainstream newspaper saying that Stephen Harper is a western end of an eastbound equine, and the police won't kick my door in at two in the morning and haul me off for a little 're-education'. Big honking deal. If that's all it takes to be 'free', then I'm inclined to think that 'freedom' is a pretty cheap commodity. Is that the best we can do for 'freedom'? What's passed off as 'freedom' in this world looks to me like little more than tolerance on the part of the authorities for feeble, feckless complaint. How valuable is that?

Bleep 'freedom' and 'liberty'! They're a scam and a hoax.

Is Barack Obama[1] (rhymes with 'Osama') free? That guy is bought and paid for ten times over by the real owners of the USA.

Is a cop free? Those guys are prisoners of their uniforms. If they were 'free', they wouldn't have to wear those silly uniforms, would they?

How free is a fish in a tank? Free to swim about within its confines. That's about as free as anyone ever gets in this world.

- - -

Note:

[1] Did you know that his full name is Barack Hussein Obama II? He's a 'IInd', fer Chrissakes. That cracks me up. He must be a real American after all. Surely that puts to rest the 'birth certificate' issue.

# # #

Friday, March 2, 2012

Stock Market and Precious Metals Prices Update

Some things are up; some things are down.

You're welcome.

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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Joke III

[Filth alert! Reader discretion is advised.]

This is possibly the best joke in the known universe.

This joke, as many jokes are, is a cautionary tale. A great deal of wise counsel can be gleaned from jokes of this nature.

- - -

MacGregor

A BBC radio producer was setting out on a vacation. He was embarking on a motor tour of the north of England, and the southern uplands of Scotland -- just him and his MGB without a care in the world.

The radio producer (we'll call him 'Clive') was the creative force behind a 'slice-of-life' afternoon radio programme, and he was always on the lookout for material for his programme. So, his vacation was something of a busman's holiday -- even as he motored along enjoying the scenery, he was constantly casting about with a radio producer's eye for possible broadcast subjects.

Heading north into Scotland, Clive found himself on a switchback road driving up the side of a fairly high elevation. A 'scenic-lookout' parking spot came up, and Clive pulled off the road to park and take a leisurely look-see. To the north, he had a magnificent view of lower-lying farm country. Way off in the distance, Clive spotted a farm property that looked exceptionally picturesque -- picture postcard perfect. He could see 'straight-as-a-die' fieldstone walls; gleaming machinery; a flawless house, barn and driving shed. Clive thought there might be a radio programme in it.

Clive's navigation skills were pretty good, and he figured he could work out his way to the place by dead reckoning. He got back in his MGB and proceeded back down the switchback to make his way north by another route.

- - -

An hour's pleasant motoring later, Clive's dead reckoning skills were rewarded as he pulled into the driveway of the property he'd spotted from the scenic lookout spot. He drove up the long, straight driveway toward the farmhouse, and parked his car by the grand front porch of the house. Up on the porch, in a rocking chair, sat a man who appeared to be the owner of the place -- a middle-aged Scottish gent in overalls. Clive tipped his hat to the man and said, "Good day, sir. Might you be the owner of this farm? Might I chat with you a bit?"

The Scottish gent nodded, and allowed that he was indeed the farm-owner. He invited Clive up to the porch to take an armchair next to him.

Clive ascended the stairs and sat himself down. The Scottish gent extended his hand to Clive and introduced himself; "MacGregor's me name. And you be?...

"Clive", Clive offered.

Turning to the farm-owner Clive said, "Please, tell me about this farm. I spotted it from a distant lookout and was quite taken by the perfection of it. It's unlike any farm property I've ever seen. There must be a story to it."

MacGregor leaned back and cast his eyes skyward, as if considering how much of what all to tell. He sighed, and began to speak.

"Not much of a story, really."

"Ye see them fieldstone walls? I gathered up all them stones each spring when the frost heaves had harvested 'em, wheel-barrowed 'em out o' the fields and built them fine, straight walls from 'em. But do folks in these parts know me as MacGregor the stone mason? Nae!"

"Ye see that fine tractor? That was a rusting piece o' wreckage that I hauled here from a neighbour's place. I tore it down and rebuilt it wi' me own two hands. She runs like a clock, she does. But do folks in these parts know me as MacGregor the mechanic? Nae!"

"Ye see these buildings? This house and barn and driving shed? Every foot of timber in 'em I salvaged from ruins. Re-sawed and planed it all by hand. 'Built 'em from the ground up wi' me own two hands. But do folks in these parts know me as MacGregor the carpenter? Nae!"

[Scroll way down for the punch line.]






























































"But ye fuck one goat!"...

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