In a Separate, Parallel, Fraudulent Universe

That's where our 'governors' operate -- in a separate parallel, fraudulent universe.

'9/11'; 'Osama bin Laden'; 'usury' -- they are not of the world we inhabit. They belong to a faked, fraudulent world created by psychopaths and criminals Here's a view of an inhabitant of our proper world. Look upon it and wonder at God's creativity. Nothing humanity can do can match it.

I reject all of the creations of psychopaths and criminals. I wish them a speedy journey to the fires of Hell.

# # #

The Random Paragraphs

Is there a pattern emerging here?

I don't have to look very long or very hard to find bits of hogwash^[1] scattered about here, there and everywhere in my home's modest library. I open up most any book, scan through it a bit and up pops a choice bit of hogwash.

One has to wonder, how much of what's been committed to paper throughout humanity's recorded existence is a load of codswallop? And how much of all that codswallop has humanity taken on as orthodox 'truth'?

Scary thought, eh?

- - -

Note:

[1] I do try to avoid foul language, but sometimes I can't resist using the word 'bullshit', as I did in the latest 'Random Paragraph' post.

'Hogwash' and 'codswallop' are the best 'clean' alternatives I know of for 'bullshit', though I'm not so sure about how clean 'codswallop' really is. I have a hunch that the etymologies of 'codswallop' are less than forthcoming.

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Random Paragraph du Jour

From "Modern Gunsmithing", by Clyde Baker, copyright 1933. It's the fourth paragraph on page 81 in the chapter, "General Shop Practice".

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"A FEW SHOP KINKS: To increase the size of a worn reamer, burnish the face of each of the teeth with a smoothly polished burnisher made from a three-square file. An increase of from two to ten thousandths [of an inch]^[1] is possible, after which the reamer may be carefully honed to size with a slip hone."

- - -

That may well be the most outrageous bit of bullshit I've ever read in my life. That's right up there with 'nineteen Arab hijackers did 9/11'. I'd like to see it done. The author provides no photographic or other evidence that it's ever been done. It baffles me what motivates people to commit such nonsense to paper. Is there some prize/reward available for dreaming up outrageous bullshit that I don't know about? If there is, then Clyde Baker must have been 1933's recipient of it.

- - -

Note:

[1] 'Ten thousandths of an inch' may seem like a tiny dimension, but one has to consider proportion/scale here. To the cutting edges of a precision reamer, ten thousandths of an inch is huge, and the cutting edges of a reamer are not malleable; they're very hard and brittle.

As I said, I'd like to see it done. I would happily recant my ridicule of Mr. Baker's assertion if anyone could demonstrate to me that what he described is doable.

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Random Paragraph du Jour

From the preface to "Chemistry for Secondary Schools", copyright 1952. It's the fifth paragraph on page 'v':

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"Each chapter is provided with an adequate number of questions so that the teacher can cover the work by making all assignments from them. This enables the teacher to save valuable class-room time. Model solutions are given for difficult problems." [Emphasis mine.]

- - -

WTF is that word "cover" supposed to mean?

Note the possibilities that 'cover' covers for. The paragraph could have said, "...so that the teacher can teach/convey/get across/ensure comprehension of/pound into the students' heads the work..." But no, the teacher is merely expected to 'cover' the work; 'covering' the work will suffice.

'Education' that consists of 'covering the work' is a fraud -- it's a make-work project for teachers' college graduates, and an excuse to imprison young people for the crime of being young. Spread a bleeping tarp over the work why dontcha? -- that'll 'cover' it.

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Urgency

 

I get on the freeway each workday morning at the the very eastern edge of Toronto for my commute to work, 32 km to the west. Where I get on the freeway, the westbound traffic is not yet dense, and it moves along at a freeway-speed clip. That doesn't last long; a mile or two further west, the traffic bunches up and slows to a crawl for quite awhile, until it uncongests itself further west and gets moving along well again. That 'bunching up and slowing to a crawl' effect is reliable -- it's inevitable.

Consequently, I'm in no great rush to get to it. I don't dawdle. I keep up with the traffic, but there's no point in needless passing or lane changes that are only going to get me a few milliseconds sooner to where the traffic will slow to a crawl. Yet every morning I get passed, frantically, frenziedly, by vehicles whose drivers can't get there soon enough. Gasoline is over $1.30 per litre these days, but those drivers don't care what it costs -- they're not going to be late for the crawl.

The human race will surely expire in a frantic, frenzied dash to oblivion. It will consume its last litre of gasoline racing to get to where it can make its last dollar-thirty-one-point-two to buy a litre of gasoline that can no longer be had.

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Great Works of Literature

I have in my library a 'gag' book. I think it dates from the WWII era. I'm not sure how I came by it, but it's a treasure. Here's a view of the cover.

And here it is opened up.

Included is a scale model of the girl's pink bra. Here's a view of the spine of the actual book this item was made from.

Isn't it great to be 'cultured'?

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Random Paragraph du Jour

From "The Office Encyclopedia", 2nd printing -- September 1975. Original copyright date: 1955.

When I saw this I thought, "Here's a valuable bit of information that people really need to know these days. I must share this around."

- - -

"How to Lift and Carry a Typewriter: There is only one right way to lift and carry a typewriter. First, center the carriage and lock it in position by moving margin stops to center of machine. With the back of the typewriter toward you, place your hands under the bottom frame between the front and rear feet; then lift and carry."

- - -

Don't laugh. The day will no doubt come when the instructions for charging your cellphone's battery will look no different from the preceding.

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Joke IV

[This is a 'clean' joke, unlike Joke III. And by the way, I'm not a knee-jerk union basher -- far from it. I just like the joke.]

- - -

The Collective Agreement

The scene:

A union hall in Nottingham, England. The Brotherhood of Bicycle Wheel Spoke Tensioners (BBWST) has convened to hear the outcome of the recent negotiations for their new contract with management. The hall is packed. The union's leader is on stage at the front of the hall. He calls for silence, and begins to deliver his address.

- - -

Union Leader:

"Brothers! I have good news. The negotiations with management went well, and we got virtually everything we were after. Here are the main points of the new agreement:

• Sixteen weeks of paid vacation per year.
• Full medical and dental care coverage for all employees and their extended families.
• Monthly raises well in excess of inflation.
• Fully paid retirement at age 45.
• And you only have to come in to work on Tuesdays.

- - -

From the back of the hall, a voice pipes up and shouts out, "Wot!? Every bloody Tuesday!?"

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Random Paragraph du Jour

From "Farm Blacksmithing", by J.M.Drew. [The book was first published in 1901. My copy is one of a 'Classic Reprint Series' by Algrove Publishing.]

- - -

 "Cutting threads on bolts is a very simple operation, and needs little description. The standard numbers of threads for carriage bolts are as follows:

1-4 in. bolts 20 threads to an inch.

5-16 in. bolts 18 threads to an inch.

3-8 in. bolts 16 threads to an inch.

7-16 in. bolts 14 threads to an inch.

1-2 in. bolts 12 threads to an inch.

5-8 in. bolts 11 threads to an inch.

3-4 in. bolts 10 threads to an inch.

1 in. bolts 8 threads to an inch."

- - -

At the very least, the author's characterization of thread cutting, and the accompanying table of thread sizes, gives me pause to wonder how many threads the author has ever cut. The thread-cutting operation may be schematically 'simple', but it's not a walk in the park.

Above 1/4" diameter, the turning force one must apply to the thread-cutting die is considerable. We're talking WORK here. From 1/2" diameter up, the upper body strength of an NHL hockey player would be advantageous. And it's not just turning force that's needed -- the thread-cutting die must be forcefully pushed along the thread's axis as it's being turned, else the resulting thread will be a poor one. And getting the die started squarely and straightly is no mean feat. "A very simple operation."? Not to my mind in my experience; an operation fraught with peril and difficulty is more like it.

- - -

That paragraph just reinforces my deep suspicion of all of so-called 'education'. Most of it is little more than repetition/reinforcement of schematic orthodoxy, uninformed by actual experience or observation. By and large, 'educators' are merely repeating/reinforcing the same schematic orthodoxies that were laid on them in their so-called 'education'. They're not conveying true 'knowledge'; they're conveying a simulacrum of knowledge. That's not progress; that's a tape loop.

Ironically, an introductory 'Publisher's Note' at the front of the book alleges that the author was a 'craftsman who became an instructor later in life'. Excuse me while I go hit the reset button on my bs detector -- it's clanging and honking and flashing its amber light something awful.

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Sputtering and Gibbering by the Side of the Road

The internet can, at times, overwhelm one with 'information'. Today's offerings fall into the 'overwhelming' category. I've had about all I can take of it.

- - -

Here's a parting thought for the day, for what little it's worth:

I've been reading a bit about advances in robotics that threaten to render many, many humans redundant -- unable to 'earn' a living in the so-called 'economy'.

The job I happen to have^[1] is one that I doubt any robot could be economically constructed to do. But it's also a job that just about any adolescent of low intelligence could be taught to do in a matter of a few hours -- a few days at the outside.

Think about that. The whole 'education'/'training'/'certification' racket is a money-grubbing farce. The cognitive dissonance is enough to spin your head around way better than Linda Blair's head ever spun.

We are living in farcical times. We are 'led' by money-grubbing, racketeering nincompoops. An end needs to be put to it.

- - -

Note:

[1] My job is 'laser printer technician'. It's a job that defies roboticization, yet it's a job that's scarcely worthy of the attention of even a 'stupid' human being's fabulous senses, intellect and tactility.

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Notions/Things That Have Outlived Their Usefulness

1) Darwinism/The Theory of Evolution

Preposterous, utter hogwash. I don't buy a word of it. Open up a can of Campbell's 'Cream of Primordial Soup' why dontcha?

Tell me, how did things look to your 'ancestors' while their eyes were still 'evolving'? When did they make the transition from 'black & white' to colour? Oh yeah, right, it was 1966 in Canada.

2) Usury

Make up money out of thin air; charge extra money for the use of it -- can you say 'RACKET'? Of course you can. Six letters; two syllables -- how difficult can it be to say RACKET!?

3) The Big Bang Theory

Once, there was a whole lot of nothing. It blew up. Yeah, right.

4) Leadership

If you need to be led, perhaps you also need a nice comb for your fleece.

5) Education/Credentials

Who taught the 'inventors' of fire and the wheel to 'invent' fire and the wheel? Were those 'inventors' properly educated/qualified/certified to invent such things? If not, where did they get off inventing fire and the wheel? Without proper credentials, they had no bleeping business inventing such things. Scandalous!

- - -

The foregoing is only a partial list. Many more notions/things in our world have outlived their usefulness -- 9/11; Barack Obama (rhymes with 'Osama'); Stephen Harper; the U.S. armed forces and 2012, to name a few.

# # #

Random Paragraph du Jour

[Outrageous sexism alert! Reader discretion is advised.]

- - -

Following is the very first paragraph of an electricity/electronics college-level textbook; it's from page one of "Essentials of Electricity -- Electronics" (© 1965) , by Slurzberg and Osterheld:

- - -

"Numerous scientific developments have occurred in this century, many of which can be attributed to the phenomenal expansion of electrical principles and applications. In the early years of the twentieth century, electricity was just beginning to be used as a source of energy in the fields of (1) illumination, (2) power, and (3) communication. During the past forty years, the great advances made in the many new uses of electricity have affected the lives of men all over the world."

- - -

Consider:

(a) Did the advances made have no effect on the lives of women and children? Are men the only inhabitants of planet earth?

(b) Is the cart before the horse here? The paragraph attributes scientific developments to the expansion of electrical principles and applications. Surely it's the other way around -- the expansion of electrical principles and applications followed from scientific developments. Wireless communication did not result in Heinrich Hertz's work, but Heinrich Hertz's work contributed to the development of wireless communication.

Do you begin to see why I'm so deeply suspicious of so-called 'educators', and their agendas and their 'credentials'?

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Random Paragraph du Jour

This one is a bit lame, but I wanted to keep the random paragraphs going.

* * *

From the mystery novel "Ten Little Indians", by Agatha Christie. (It's the third paragraph on page 120 of a softcover edition.)

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"The judge said calmly, 'We have still, I hope, our reasoning powers. Did anyone bring a hypodermic syringe to this house?' "

- - -

Good question. "None of yer damn business!" may well be a good answer. Where one takes hypodermic syringes, and what one does with them, is surely one's own affair.

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Random Paragraph du Jour

I may have finally found my calling -- investigating random paragraphs from random books.

This is from a crime/mystery novel: "Devices and Desires", by P.D. James. It's the third paragraph on page 401 0f a softcover edition.

- - -

"He followed her across a square hall and through double doors into what was obviously the drawing room. She pointed imperiously to a sofa set in front of the fireplace. It was uncomfortably low and as soft-cushioned as a bed, each drop end festooned with thick tasselled cords. Moving slowly as if deliberately taking her time, she placed herself opposite to him in an elegant high-winged chair, settled the dog on her lap and gazed down on him with the fixed unsmiling intensity of an inquisitor. He knew that he must look as gauche and ungainly as he felt, his thighs enclosed in the softness of the cushion, his sharp knees almost touching his chin. The dog, as naked as if it had been skinned and shivering perpetually like a creature demented with cold, turned first on him and then up at her its pleading exophthalmic eyes. The leather collar, with its great dollops of red and blue stones, lay heavily on the animal's frail neck."

- - -

'Exophthalmic'? WTF!?

Now there's a word that the average crime/mystery novel reader is no doubt familiar with. In a previous, better-educated life, I may even have been familiar with it; in this life, not so much. Some investigation is in order. Help me out, here, Dictionary.com.

exophthalmos:

noun; pathology: Protrusion of the eyeball from the orbit, caused by disease, especially hyperthyroidism, or injury.

related forms: exophthalmic, adjective.

Ok. That clears up that little mystery. But why couldn't P.D. James have simply written "...protruding eyes."? -- or, "...protruding, as if diseased (hyperthyroidism, possibly), or injured (possibly), eyes."? What possessed P.D. James to latch onto that obscure word "exophthalmic"?

That sort of thing to me while reading is like a skateboard left in the hallway that you normally negotiate at night to go to the washroom to take a leak -- it upsets the trajectory. Maybe that's the idea. I don't know. I'm not in P.D. James' league.

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And Another 'Random' Paragraph

This one isn't really 'random'; I sort of 'shopped around' for it. It's from a softcover edition of "Alice in Wonderland", second paragraph of chapter eleven ("Who Stole the Tarts?"), on page 120:

- - -

"Alice had never been in a court of justice before, but she had read about them in books, and she was quite pleased to find that she knew the name of nearly everything there. 'That's the judge,' she said to herself, 'because of his great wig.' "

- - -

There you have the level at which most of our 'knowledge' operates.

# # #

Another Random Paragraph

My previous post, wherein I latched onto a random paragraph from a random book, was kind of fun. I'll try it again with a different book.

This is from the novel, "House of Sand and Fog", by Andre Dubus III. It's the first paragraph on page 145 of a softcover edition:

- - -

"Les woke me before dawn Monday morning with a cup of that too-hot cowboy coffee from the woodstove. The Coleman lantern was turned low, not even hissing, and in the shadows I could see he was in his uniform, with his badge and gun, his hair combed and still wet from the river. He squatted on one knee at the corner of the mattress and said he'd heated up a basin of water to clean up in. I could stay here or he could drop me off at the Eureka to get my things."

- - -

I may be guilty of being 'picky' here, but that it's possible for a Coleman lantern to be "turned low" is news to me.

The control knob on my Coleman lantern has four positions: "OFF', "CLEAN", "LITE' and "ON"; here's a view of it.

Nowhere there is there a high/low 'range'. The thing is either off, or it's full-bore on -- that's the nature of the beast. And I wouldn't characterize the sound that it makes as a "hiss" -- it's more like a dull, throaty roar.

So, what's with this? Are there Coleman lanterns I don't know about that can be turned down? Or do writers make stuff up^[1] from stuff they pull out of the ether and expect you to buy it?

The writer could have said simply that "the lantern was turned low", left out the "not even hissing", and that paragraph would have been fine with me. But the writer specified "Coleman" lantern, and added the "hissing" sound. As far as I know, you can't turn down a Coleman lantern, and they don't hiss, they sort of 'roar'.

The pageant keeps on keeping on.

- - -

Note:

[1] Ok. Of course writers 'make stuff up'; it is a work of fiction, after all.

But that bit about the lantern was supposed to be grounded in earthy physical reality, not in some bogus physics where things 'fall' upward, or a flame is blue in colour because it's cold. It behooves writers of fiction to keep their realities straight.

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Passing Pageant of Bullshit

As writers go, I'm a pretty lame excuse for one. I really don't have much to say. Much of life to me is a passing pageant of bullshit, unworthy of comment or contemplation.

But, I keep casting about for creative sparks, and that led me to this idea -- take an out-of-context, random paragraph from a random book and see what sparks might be struck from it. Here goes.

This is from the top of page 151 of a hard-cover edition of a novel titled "The Butt", by Will Self:^[1]

- - -

"He reminded Tom of the colonial civil servants that his country had sent out to the wilds, during their brief imperial era. Tom had read somewhere that these men had to undergo appendectomies before they left; pre-emptive strikes against their own redundant organs, lest their inflammation prevent them from putting down tribal uprisings."

- - -

Well, that's a tantalizing thought, don't you think?

I googled 'pre-emptive appendectomy', and came up with pretty much nothing, which leads me to suspect that "passing pageant of bullshit" was not an unfair characterization.

I've often wondered why literacy and reading are so highly valued, when so much of what there is to read is codswallop.

- - -

MONDAY, APRIL 9, 2012

Further to 'pre-emptive appendectomy':

The possibilities for pre-emptive surgery are endless. One could get pre-emptive false teeth; a pre-emptive mastectomy ( I've heard that those are done, actually.); how about a pre-emptive euthanization and burial while we're at it? -- cover all the bases at one go.

- - -

Further Still to 'pre-emptive appendectomy':

Think about it. Needless, invasive abdominal surgery, with its attendant risks and stresses, is going to result in a healthier, stronger more reliable man? I don't bleeping well think so.

- - -

That paragraph that I plucked at random out of that novel is a good example of the sort of plausible, but unverifiable, bogus 'information' that we're awash in 24/7. Such stuff is ceaselessly sliding by us and through us and around us, courtesy of the mainstream media. Were we fish, it could be characterized as the water we swim in.. That 'water' is to buoyancy as noise is to music; as sand is to granite; as ineptitude is to skill. Shut it out. Don't swim in it.

- - -

Note:

[1] The story of how I came by that obscure novel is probably more worthy of telling than this little essay was worthy of writing/reading.

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How to Conduct Yourself at a Job Interview

Job interviews are fraught with peril. An applicant must be on his or her best behaviour, and be prepared to negotiate the shoals with skill and aplomb.

It behooves the interviewee to embark on the interview with the right attitude, and the right set of questions/assertions in mind. Herewith are some recommended questions/assertions for an applicant to pose to a potential employer:

- - -

"So, tell me, why should I deign to grace your enterprise with my presence?"

"Have you thought at all about getting this shit-hole's walls repainted?"

"Here's my bleeping resume. Please read it carefully before asking me any stupid questions that a careful reading of it would bleeping well answer."

"Could I see your reference library? Does it have a copy of 'Debbie Does Dallas'? -- a good crossword puzzle dictionary? -- anything?"

"Do you know anything about the business you're in, or do you just fake it minute-by-minute?"

"What do you do when you're not grubbing for money? Anything fit for telling about?"

"I can find my way out. There's no need to call security."

# # #

Prime Minister Stephen Harper Addresses the Nation

[On the eve of an outrageous hike in the price of gasoline, the Prime Minister of Canada has taken it upon himself to address the nation's 'consumers', and explain what's behind it. Following is a transcript of his address.]

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The Right Honourable Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada:

- - -

"Good evening Canadian peas--, er, citi--, er, consumers -- that's it -- consumers; that's what you all are, right?

I know you may be a bit alarmed at and puzzled by the coming rise in the price of gasoline. Rest assured that there's a good reason for it.

Statistics Canada has been monitoring the wealth of the corporate/banking/financial sector, and their findings are alarming. Their findings indicate that the wealthy are not getting anywhere near wealthier enough fast enough -- that bodes ill for Canada's economy. So, as a corrective measure, my mast--, er, my wealthy, highly intelligent constituents have devised a solution. The price of fuel and food will be increased to the point where all a working person can do is work for enough money to go on living and working. That will solve the problem, and return Canada to prosperity.

I trust that my remarks this evening will alleviate any worries you may have over the direction of Canada's economy. Canada's economy is in good hands -- hands big enough to grasp and squeeze and fondle and caress and finger all of it. Good night, and may whatever God you believe in, of whatever race, ethnicity, skin colour, gender, sexual orientation or political persuasion, bless you all."

# # #

On Writing

I know of no greater intellectual pleasure than writing. Writing, to me, is the very essence of being human. Writing is to humans as meowing is to cats, as braying is to donkeys and as slithering is to snakes. Writing is the characteristic 'noise' we make that informs the universe of our existence, and further informs the universe that our existence is noteworthy.

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The CFL Fraud

[No, not that CFL; this CFL.]

CFLs (Compact Fluorescent^[1] Lamps) are all the rage these days. It seems they're going to save the environment, with the fantastic reduction in energy usage they deliver. Why is my bs detector clanging and honking and flashing its amber light?

- - -

There's a Canadian outfit known as 'Project Porchlight' that's a big promoter of CFLs. I think Project Porchlight is full of shit. Here's a quote from their "Who We Are" page that just about vapourized my bs detector's bell, horn and light: "If every household in Canada replaced just one incandescent light bulb with a CFL bulb, the reduction in pollution would be the equivalent of taking 66,000 cars off the road."

'Sorry. I don't buy that. I wonder how that "66,000" figure was arrived at -- pulled out of the air, possibly?

Here's another bit of info-lint from the same website page: "From making the switch to more efficient light bulbs, to using water-saving showerheads and keeping car tires properly inflated, small changes really can make a big difference." Bullshit. Small changes make small differences; big changes make big differences.

Here's a figure I'd like to see Project Porchlight analyze -- how much energy does a jet fighter aircraft consume in a single sortie from the deck of an aircraft carrier? How many breakfasts could be cooked with that? How many need-ridden lives could be improved with that? A couple or three, maybe? Do the math, Project Porchlight. Report back after you've checked your tire pressures.

- - -

I'll give Project Porchlight full marks for one thing, though; they've got a good handle on language. Consider the word 'porchlight': does that not evoke a heart-warming scene of middle-aged parents leaving the light on for their adolescent child out on a date? There's run-of-the-mill bullshit, and there's bleeping brilliant bullshit, and Project Porchlight's bullshit falls in the 'bleeping brilliant' category.

- - -

Further to CFLs and what's claimed for their energy savings, I'd like to see an audit done of inputs/lifetime energy consumption/disposal ramifications for CFLs vs. incandescent light bulbs. CFLs' packaging is notably sturdier; they use more glass; they contain mercury -- a toxic heavy metal. Anecdotal evidence suggests to me that they don't last nearly as long as is claimed.

Why are CFLs so heavily promoted and legislated in favour of? -- because there's money in them, that's why. They're about as likely to 'save the environment' as the coyote is to catch the road runner.

- - -

Note:

[1] There's a spelling bee word if ever I saw one.

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